Which way is North?

I feel so far from the person I know I want to be. I've been wandering the past few years, making poor choices. I guess it's partly a delayed rebellion. I never experimented and did the trials a normal college student does, now at 25 I'm making the mistakes I should have at 18. It's still no excuse though. I'm becoming morally lazy and fragmented. I need to get back to those core values instilled in me since I was a child. You feel the most lost in life when you stray from your core. It's hard not being surrounded by the people in your life who act as your compass. Don't get me wrong, I take FULL responsibility for all my decisions and choices, I just miss having my sounding boards and "tough love" friends to pull me back onto the path when I start to waver. Core values. I need to explore what that means to me, where my center in myself is and how to use it.

I wish my compasses weren't 900 miles away.

I finally find a "rock" song I like and it's not by our record label! LOL Oh well, at least I'm trying. As my co-worker said to me today "K we'll turn you into a rocker chick yet" GOOD LUCK

So many sounds

Throughout the course of a day I hear many types of music. From the Good Morning America theme when I wake up to the Oscar Petersen I put on when I get home. Rock and pop in the halls of work. The neighborhood ice cream truck jingle. The sound of children playing. It's all music, but in completely different genres and purposes, feelings and forms, but you know it's music because it makes you feel. Words can be music, laughter, even crying has a melody.

Looking up too far

I don't look at my parents like they are real yet. I forget that they are personalities, full of their own history and lessons. To me they are still these powerful titles MOM and DAD. It isn't fair the way I look at them, with these idealistic eyes. They carry it well though, picking me up when I crash (both literally and figuratively), teaching my sister and I values instead of rules. Maybe I will always look at them the same way I did as a child, like they know everything, like they'll never hurt me. Maybe MOM and DAD don't have to be real people to me, they are real to the rest of the world, for me they can be surreal...ideal.

Excerpt from an E-mail I wrote yesterday

We all build walls. We spend our entire lives making the people in our
lives pay for the sins of those in our past. It isn’t fair, but we all do
it. Some people find love despite it. Me, I learned that if you touch the
stove you get burned.

A COLD BURN

You are standing right in front of me, but I can’t reach you.

When I try to hug you, you have hard edges.

I try to press myself against you, but your wall prevents this.

I strip myself away in order to shed some layers between us.

It doesn’t help, for now I am naked before you in your brick house.

I throw stones to break your box, but it only gets thicker.

I try hugging you again, but your sharp edges cut me.

Getting to know you is like a cold burn.

No room for happiness

Look people if you want happy thoughts go pick up an Oprah book club selection, you aren't gonna find them here.

I don't understand this endless love quest people seem to be on. Nobody can seem to tell me why we do it. Because it's worth it in the end? Prove it. Because it's about the journey? I can go on a life journey without a wayward part-time stoned cupid at my side as my tourguide. I prefer mapquest.

Random weekend thoughts

I'm afraid of everything. When is it that we learn fear? How does one be curious and afraid at the same time. I truly am a woman of contradiction.

I'm afraid of fear.


To me love and loss are the same emotion, the same internal result.


A quote I heard at a party this weekend:

"...it's a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling"

Now that's a thought that will fester for awhile



I think and feel things deeply. After many years of knowing this about myself I'm finally starting to accept that as the beautiful part of myself.
I just wish it wasn't so hard to convince others.

There are days when you just have to laugh at life. Or maybe life is laughing at you. I'm not quite sure. For the first time I can remember I saw fate intervene in someone's life. A single choice, so simple, turned upside down and inside out. There is definitely a reason it turned out the way it did, a reason that I don't think is fully known yet. WOW. What a thing to witness.

More on Want

I am plagued constantly by this notion of "want". What I want out of life, what it needs from me. I had always hoped there was an end to that questioning, an answer to I am a _______ . As I get older I realize no such answer exists. A #2 pencil isn't needed. I think about returning to school, but I promised myself I wouldn't go until I was certain I knew what for.

Certainty.

Even a jury gets reasonable doubt.

Sadness (Written Winter 2003)

There are an infinite number of ways to be sad and a million more ways to love.

There’s sadness for those you love or loved and weren’t loved by in return. That’s the most sold sadness. Always the most expensive, never goes on sale, but almost everyone is a consumer of it once in their lives. Sometimes tears are included, but only while supplies last.

It isn’t really what causes it so much as what it does to you. It takes brushing your teeth and makes it calculus.

My lover is gone, but love has stayed. No more is it housed by a body. No longer does it have flesh to absorb it. It hangs in the air. I can’t take it back and he peeled it from himself like wet clothing. Just stripped it away and left it on the floor. Eventually it will dry, but it will remain on the floor to be picked up by someone else, for in the drying process it has changed shape and will no longer fit him anymore.

It isn’t really what causes it so much as what it does to you.

Multi-faceted abnormal

I've been thinking lately a lot about what I want. What things we chose to lable "want", what we label "fantasy". How we know what true want is. I'm constantly reminded that even the ability to have want is a luxury. For some the "wants" list is as simple as food or safety. Things many of us take for granted.

I hide my true desires a lot. Even from myself. As much as I say the opposite, I truly do want love out of life. I claim to be commitment phobic, but it's just a slipcover for rejection phobic. I don't want to love and not be loved in return anymore. There is no worse feeling in the world than unrequited love. Very few people can love without the expectation of it in return.

I fear that loving someone changes who you are. I fear being altered before I know who I am. I fear being altered after I hold that knowledge.

The end of my intelligence

2.5 hours into having cable TV. I'm amazed at how much useless programming there is available to me now. I feel sucked in already. Someone call me later on tonight and make sure I'm not still sitting here.

Hope doesn't Float

My least favorite emotion is hope. It's worse than love. It can destroy who you are.